10 ways to create traffic jams in Delhi- by govt and by residents

How to create a traffic jam, 10 lessons from Govt of Delhi
1. Organise an international sports event in the city, start work on it 10 mths before the inauguration day and then, dig up the whole city to relay the roads, beautify the city etc.

2. Pick up a 1 sq km area, zero down on the main road, start work on it at 8.45 am by taking off the stones of the divider and leaving it 2 mtrs on either side of the road. Stop work at 11.00 am and start work in another site. Prepare a schedule such that each site gets 3 hrs of work each month.

3. Prepare a good road, dig a 30 cm straight line across the road so that vehicles have to come to a crawl to cross this, vehicles crash into each other when one of them is not able to stop in time and ofcourse, if you ignore it then you pay for it to the mechanic

4. Prepare a good road, study the guidelines for a good speedbreaker…..make an exact opposite of it, preferably one which is so constructed to touch the base of the car engine each time you try to go over the speed breaker.

5. for a big construction (like a flyover), make good side roads and then make BIG potholes on it. Pour a truck of water on the road each day so that the potholes expand exponentially each day.

6. Once a flyover/underpass is ready, start building another one 2 kms down the road within 2 months of completion of the first one

7. Equip red lights with highly sensitive water sensors and tune in a way that a single drop of rain will switch off the red lights for 2 sq km around.

8. Turn off the red lights in each area for 2 hrs/day around the peak time. The jam will last 4 hrs.

9. Change the traffic pattern for the main roads on a monthly basis by opening/closing free left turns, making a road one way etc- this will ensure a continuum of jams

10. In residential areas next to high volume roads, do not make provisions for taking convenient u turns or for changing to the other side of the road. People will drive on the wrong side and this will create jams.

How to create a traffic jam, 10 lessons from people of Delhi
1. Always drive in a way that your vehicle straddles the white lines on the road (why does govt spend so much money in making the dashed and continuous lines on the road for beautification?)

2. It is safe to keep moving till about 20 secs AFTER the orange light has turned red

3. In residential neighbourhoods, park your big cars in a way that ¼ of the car is on the pavement and ¾ on the road. The bigger the car, the more space you have the right to take on the road

4. Wherever there are subways, never use them. Instead, make a small hole, break a couple of bars of the fence along the road separator and cross the road. Now, with no red lights, each time you cross, the traffic will come to a halt.

5. Private bus operators, to stop at a bus stop on a road 4 lane wide, bring the bus to a halt with the nose of the bus in the first lane and the tail in lane 3. Make sure that at no point in time, should the nose of the bus be less than 3 mtrs from the bus stop shed.

6. Make an informal bus stop right after the red light or under the flyover. It helps in slowing down the traffic

7. A fight on the pavement is a signal for everyone to slow down/stop and watch the fight.

8. A road accident/vehicle ceasing in the middle of the road is a signal for everyone on vehicles to slow down/stop and watch whats happening

9. Do not use school transport, drop and pick up your school going children and create a jam on the road each day..

10. Save every meter of mileage of your vehicle- ride opposing the traffic to save 2 mtrs (since the u turn is 2 mtrs too far) and create jams.