When a swiss lands in India
Switzerland, as per any Indian
who has grown up on a questionable diet of Indian cinema (98.99% population),
is a fabled land of snow, blue waters, meandering roads, mountains and green
pastures strewn with Bollywood actresses in distress looking out for first
Indian (and only Indian) man in shining armor to fall in love with. This is
what Indian hinterland knows about Switzerland.
A well heeled city slicker will
add that it is also a land of manic precision timing (burdened as they are,
with the responsibility of making exclusive watches and showing to the world
that those expensive pieces actually work better than the Chinese rip offs!)
and banks for the who- is- who of the worlds corrupt.
A city slicker who is aiming for
the intellectual aura will add that it’s the land that has popularised
referendums. He might add that this is the third attempt by the country to
change world order- first came the mercenaries, then ‘neutrality’, and now
referendums. (See what newbies at the game did with their referendum- Brexit!)
So, 3 layers sums up what Indians
know and think about Switzerland. (more or less)
What about the Swiss, what do
they think of India? Since I am not a Swiss, I do not know that, but a Swiss
friend decided to visit India and form an opinion for himself. Thus started the
road trip of the Swiss with his 2 Indian friends and their 5 yr old daughter!
Thus also started the saga that lead to this piece being written by me!
The tale of a road trip and other hairy experiences
Road Trip begins: Swiss naturally
dons the mantle of a navigator. When Pepsi
thinks of diversifying its product range, it zeros onto similarly obesity
causing products like potato wafers, Otis diversifies from Elevators to
escalators—you get the point- one diversifies along ones area of core strength.
For the Swiss, precision- GPS tech based work of navigation was the obvious
choice given his nations expertise with precision timed modes of transport! So,
the Swiss opens the GPS in satellite view- the Indian opens the non-satellite
view! Default stands can reveal so much !!.
Anyway, the trip starts with 3
GPS devises activated- one of the car, one with satellite view and one with
normal view. The holder of the third GPS devise still is baying for 4th
party human confirmation (the Bhaiyaji Rishikesh ka yeh hi raasta hai?- Brother,
is this the way to Rishikesh?). The Indian male friend driver (operative words
Indian and Male, v significant)…does not completely trust any of the devises or
their holders (since he is not holding a devise- thank god for small mercies!).
The argumentative Indians thus start the argument on the best route. The Swiss
stares baffled into empty space- He is thinking- Why the argument when obvious
is, well, obvious!
5 mins and one 4th party
confirmation later, the route is settled!
Swiss, still baffled: why
use 3 devises?
Indian: Data roaming has
just become cheap in India, and as proud Indians, we want to use data and prove
to the world that we too are tech savvy;
Swiss: why 4th party human confirmation
from a guy on the street with no proven credentials of road knowledge
Indian: Well, that’s the
way we navigated for years and we want to keep up with the proud Indian
tradition. Also, we have teaming millions with no immediate use for each
other-this is a way of creating utility of human power. Switzerland on the
other hand, with a population that is lesser than Delhi’s, has no option but to
rely on cold, human contact less, digital power.
The Swiss ponders with his
brian cells in turmoil-Is this the best, logical way to navigate?
Indian: Well, Indians
have time- (refer to casual, arthritic analogue time keeping tradition), we
don’t trust digital world completely (check- our digi- savvy, twitter happy
Prime Ministers website has links which do not work) plus we have a mutated
genes which compels us to seek the most difficult path to any solution. Refer all the religions we gave birth to-we
could have sorted most of that by eliminating caste system at first go- but no,
we instead drove humans to the forest for seeking an answer that was staring
down at us- and created religions and accompanying books to unleash religious
acrimony ( to an extent) in South Asia and make lives difficult for Indian
students!!
Now that the road trip has
finally started, the Swiss settles down planning for of a bit of snooze time. Living
with overactive 5 year old and endlessly talking friends had eaten into his
swiss watch guided precision sleep timing!
Meanwhile The Indian male at the
wheel has just hit the highway!
5 mins later- Swiss- clutching onto the dashboard
grooves but still not loosing his outwardly calm, eyes about 2 sizes larger
than 5 mins ago, watches his mild mannered friend, turn into a moustache
twirling, bulging 8 abs alpha male.
Swiss: why not just
follow the rules! Why this manic behaviour?
Indian Male: That way we will never hear the gps saying ‘u have reached your
destination’.
Then, the Indian male becomes
philosophical (hey….a swiss has to be given a dose of Indian philosophy else he
will think that the great Indian philosophical tradition is lost). …You know
why Mughals lost their empire to the British? Because they were too busy
following high etiquettes- niceties of
the Mughal times! They were happily smiling (and that was not even the selfie
age)…and saying pehle aap -pehle aap (first you, first you) thus wasting the
time they should have been using to aim their precious few guns at the British.
We have learnt the ‘moral of the
lesson’ well. So now, we aim to win (with a notable exception of sports) without
wasting time on niceties. See that overloaded truck ahead on the fast lane, I
can either go the Mughal way and waste 10 mins(and 20 honks) before the truck
allows us to pass….or I can go the ‘aim
to win’ way and just overtake from the wrong side!! We can win…yes we can! ‘Aim
for the win’ it’s Always ‘aim for the win’!
But to the credit of the Indian
male, he was negotiating the highway traffic with lyrical grace of a ballet
dancer….swerve smoothly around a Horn Please truck, overtake an unrelenting
truck from the left, avoid making a stray dog meet his maker without stepping
on the brake!!
Indian Male
thinking: What skill! What expertise! I am the best driver in the whole world!
Swiss thinking but too
polite to say- as yet: What craziness!
He is the worst driver in the whole world!
Finally, a swerve to avoid a
motorcyclist riding on the fast lane makes the Swiss cross the proverbial line
and he breaks his panicky silence with a hysterical outburst-
Swiss: If all behave
sanely, I could have caught my snores….
Indian: If all behaved
sanely, road accidents will sky rocket –people will get too bored driving on
non- stray dog, non- wrong side moving tractor, non- men running to cross the
highway, non- bullock cart loaded with sugarcane (with an occasional few
slipping out ), non- reflector less cyclists at night, non ‘one eyed trucks
with no reflectors’-( trucks that switch on only one headlight to save energy)….if
all that drama was not happening, all Indians would be sleeping behind the
wheel!!!
Swiss: Ok, I accept, but
why not use just indicators—just one thing- Indicators!
Indian: We are driving, not chit chatting with
indicators! We won out freedom from the British fair and square- never again
will we be bound by laws that curb our freedom! We take our independent
decision and implement it. This entire obsession with referendums has made you
Swiss incapable of swift, unilateral action! Why make shifting lanes a group
activity when it all works out well enough with it being an individual action!!
Status at the end of 10days on
the road:
Swiss: Not managed a 10
min snooze on the road, clutching of the dashboard tempered down to
preparedness for a grab in 1 micro second, got well versed with the idiom- be
prepared for anything anytime, accepted the inalienable right of bullock
carts/camel carts/tractors/autorickshaws /donkeys/motorcyclists to be on
‘expressways’ and ‘highways’. Purchased truck decorations from a highway shop!
( a version of Stockholm syndrome????)
Swiss (with a surge of
nationalistic fervour- prove to Indians that Swiss are philosophers too:) Indians
are not about straight lines and digital 01 thought processes or actions. India
is firmly a land of curves and bendy squibbles built on a wobbly but steady
foundation of obtuse thinking and reactions.
Indian: oops, we Indians
almost drove another man to the woods for seeking answers!!
The tale of food obsessed Indians and other spicy stories
A trip to Old Delhi to see the
heritage buildings. Time taken to see Jama Masjid- 20 mins, Red Fort – 1min- as
seen from the Boundary wall of Jama Masjid, Time taken to soak in old buildings
of old delhi- 10 mins. Time taken to eat around Jama Masjid- 3 hours!
Swiss: Was not lunch
planned to be at Karims[i]?.
Why stop at every pushcart selling food to taste it?
Indian: this is pre- lunch
tasting. Keeping up the morale and firming the home economics of push cart food
sellers is our national duty- and we shall not flinch from fulfilling our duty
come obesity or runny tummy!
You see, Indians are born with a
cast iron stomach (till the time we ruin it by imitating the west). The proof
is that we thrive (refer to Census Data : http://censusindia.gov.in/)
inspite of polluted air, not the best of water and street food served with
questionable hands! Not for us the street food cooked in sanitary conditions,
served on clean chairs and dainty plates- under pretty umbrellas! No, our style
is to avoid asking questions or dwelling on aspects that will make it difficult
to eat the food. We keep the focus on the end result- the food. Everything else
is moh maya[ii]
!!!
Swiss: Licking on the golgappe and
chaat chutney drips – Its yummy, hope it does not spoil my tummy!!
Indian: Next stop, roasted sweet potato!
Next
stop…
Next Stop: Karims!
.............Finally, time for lunch!
Swiss: Are there extra
stomachs for sale in this market which is selling everything from pressure
gauges to wedding clothes to car doors!
Then it is the spices-There is
something to be said about Indian obsession with spices. The kitchen looks like
an apothecary of the yore-small bottles filled with colourful seeds and
powders! We are not happy just displaying them: we actually use them- the
result is a cacophony or a symphony- depending on which side of the culinary border
you come from.
Swiss: My taste buds are
happy but tortured…much like scratching after a mosquito bite- u get supreme
happiness from scratching (even though you know it is not the right thing to
do)- you yearn to scratch more….!
Bruised skin is a small price to pay for the nirvana that is scratching after a
mosquito bite.
Back at friend’s house, Swiss
packs his backpack. He quietly throws
out his energy bar and keeps a hand-towel next to his swiss knife. He makes a
note on his iphone to send an email to Victorinox to add a small foldable,
miracle absorbent towel to the swiss knife. Replacement towels sold in a pack
of threes (U see, Swiss make a business of everything- watches with altimeter
being sold in flatlands of middle east, Chinese noodles* being sold in India,
processed African cocao** being sold worldwide, you illegally earn it- we legally
store it services for all world currencies***…..the list goes on).
*Maggi noodle **Chocolates ** Banks
And then there is Candy- Indian
candy to be precise!
Swiss gets into a trance with
homogeneous chaos of whirling humanity next to bubbling flow of Ganga maiya in
Rishikesh. He is thinking about an event that broke his life learning on the
topic- that candy= sugary sweet. He had been subjected to Pulse masala candy-
sweet candy with a chat pata masala belly[iii].
Then he was introduced to imli (tamarind) candy, hajmola[iv]
candy….
Swiss: How can sweet/sour/savory/sweet/sour and salty
‘candies’ be misbranded as candies. Offering a sweet delight to an unsuspecting
firangi and unleashing a spice ball instead should be banned.
Indian: You ban it, we will find a way to do it legally-
that too on a larger scale! Reference: demonitization[v]-
poor PM did not catch illegal money, everyone found a loophole and created even
more illegal money by bribing bankers to house helps in a bid to lay hands on
new cash.
For Indians, spice is, well, the
spice of life! You will admit, the spice in the candy does spice up the candy
experience!
Swiss: Dipping into the
bag of Pulse masala candy! Hmmmm!!!
Indian: Smiling! You can’t
make a corrupt person honest but you can certainly try to make an honest one
corrupt! The point is to be on the same side of things!
The tale of Indian Christmas and renaming a saint
The Swiss landed in India just
before Christmas… To be greeted by airport and malls exteriors lighted up in
yuletide spirit, newspapers filled with red and green coloured Christmas
carnival/dinners/parties adverts, cheap santa masks and caps being sold on the
traffic lights junctions…...Finally he reaches his Indian friends home – to be
greeted by loud sounds of ‘Maaary’s boy child Jeeesus Christ, was born on ….”
And greeted by sight of gargoyle of a Christmas tree made out of thermacol and
paper!
Swiss, deep in thought: That Pope
dude must be right, miracles do happen! I left Christmas behind in Switzerland
yet it followed me here!!! I must find the Saint responsible for this and
suggest his/her name for yet another canonisation by the Pope.
Swiss, speaking: 2%
Christians and yet it seems Christmas is a major festival here.
Indian: There is a reason
for that. With x+1 religions with x+n festivals each (include regional
variations too), Indians end up celebrating a lot of festivals. With peak
flurry of festivals getting over in Oct-Nov beginning, Indians recuperate for a
couple of weeks but by the time Dec begins, they are left with an acute case of
festival withdrawal symptom. Dec is an unusually low festival month, Indians
therefore clutched on to Christmas like the proverbial straw and made it their
own. We are trying to popularise Baba Nikhil[vi]
as the Indian replacement of Saint Nicholas and Indianise Santa Claus to Shri
Shri Sabka Khas[vii].
In modern India, there is another
reason that added to the Christmas charm. China. You see, China produces all
the trappings of Christmas in trillions but are left with unsold stock! They
offer bargain prices to Indians to get rid of their stock- and Indians can’t
resist a bargain…..even if it means popularising a new festival to a scale as
never before!
The tale of where it all comes together
Over the next few days, the
Swiss’s digital brain starts getting analogised! The straight lines become ah!
a wee bit bendy. He walks around for hours trying to sum up India….in the
blackness of night, broken by erratic street lights, the Swiss walks ….deep in
thought…..he walks and walks…. The guards look at him and pass him off as an
eccentric firangi[viii],
the gang of stray dogs stop trying to bark at him- ‘its him, again!!, no fun
barking at the same tree’, late night uber taxi driver stop looking at him with
anticipation ‘we are up to earn a buck, why are you moving about like a lost
truck’, white horses clippity clapping,
making their way back to the stables after the wedding festivities , nod at him
‘he is white like us!’, the late night egg-omelette seller resists an urge to
call him ‘break eggs not heads or hearts’, ……
Swiss: Contrasts: that’s the word that sums up
India. Where an aeroplane wheeled camel cart bulging with bags of straw calmly
shares road space with a Made in India BMW, where high green mountains nestle
close to desert sands, where riot of colours in clothes contrasts with whites
and beiges of car colour, where yoga centred resorts share a broken road with
‘fun’ camps designed for a weekend of merriment, where a saree clad fairy (made
under British influence) shares heritage space with Harappa civilization, where
almost illiterate migrants are equal in numbers to highly educated tech
migrants, where a woman with ghoonghat[ix]
shops alongside woman in jeans, where a spotless metro train exits passengers
onto to littered pathway leading upto metro station steps, where a delicately
hand woven traditional saree clad woman can be eating at a truck dhaba[x]
with charpai woven with strips of old truck tyres …..Contrasts- that’s what
India is.
Indian: Breakfast is
ready: Poha and Muesli with cold milk and Masala Chai.
Disclaimer: Apologies for
making fun of all and everything. Any offense caused is deeply regretted. It is
said that we make fun of things we love- that makes me biggest Indian patriot
and a lover of Switzerland (based on travel to top 5 Favourite Indian
destinations in Switzerland). To emphasise again, this is a flippant take on
Swiss and Indian stereotypes. Any offense caused to national pride is
unintentional. And no, I have no vested
interest in either popularising or defaming Pulse candy! ( Want to come out
with your own verdict- - go to the nearest paan shop and buy it. To those of
you not in India, I can send you some. As the Swiss says…’it’s a hammer’’!-
whether the hammer is pushing in nails or breaking heads- the verdict is yours
alone).
[i] Karims: A popular Mughlai food joint
[ii] Moh maya: worldly pleasures.
[iii] Chat pata masala: sour spicy taste
with a hint of sweet and savory. Masala is also a generic term for spices-
usually used in context of a mixture of spices
[iv] Hajmola- A popular brand of
digestion assisting medicine made out of herbs and spices. It also has a candy
version.
[v] Demonetization: For those of you who
missed the news, India demonetized Rs1000/Rs500 currency notes overnight in Nov
2016 leading to chaos which continues till the time of writing this piece!
[vi] Baba- A term used for religious
figures/saints. Nikhil: is a popular Hindu name
[vii] Sri Sri Sabka Khas: Sri is a title
of respect before name of a man, God or a religious book. Much like Mr in
English. Sri Sri is a lift off from the name of a popular Godman/religious
figure in India. Sabka means for everyone, Khas means Special. Sabka Khas has
been used as it kind of sounds like Santa Claus and also meets the thought
behind Santa Claus (that he is special for everyone)
[viii]
Firangi-Foreigner.
[ix] Ghooghat: veil covering the face-
usually a part of the scarf or saree which covers the head and falls forehead
down, on the face
[x] Dhaba: Highway eateries. Typically
ones used by Truck drivers for food and a rest.
